Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
How many fucks given?
0.12846
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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