Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
