Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I stole a fireplace last night.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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