How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
