I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
My brain says no but my pants say off.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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