he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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