Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
