So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
