my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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