Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
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