There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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