i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
