it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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