i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
