Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
