just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
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