just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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