I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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