Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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