I think my vagina is haunted
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Randomize
