I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
