i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
