He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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