it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
