I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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