I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
