The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
