I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
