I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Just high enough for therapy.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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