Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
