They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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