i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
