I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
