I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
