Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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