Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
what day is it and did you see me today?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
