i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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