Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
