I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
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