just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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