I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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