my phone needs a breathalizer
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
