I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
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Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
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He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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