i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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