he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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