Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
