It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Randomize
