I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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