He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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