my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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