dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
