By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
