so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Randomize
