i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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