remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
