I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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