Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
